Sunday, April 5, 2009

Panda Bears and You

Congratulations. You are the proud owner of a brand-new panda bear. Hopefully you and your panda bear will get along famously.

Assembly


Your panda will come pre-assembled. However, there are many add-ons available to make your panda experience as fun as possible:
  • Coffee grinder
  • Fax machine
  • Bamboo dispenser
The first two are for the busy, hard-working panda owner. The last one is really more for the panda.

Getting to know your panda

The first thing you will notice about your panda bear is that it is ALIVE. Please do not kick it. They don't like that sort of thing.

It is a good idea to communicate with your panda often in the first few days. Establish a human-to-bear connection in order to gain trust from your panda, which will be defensive when confronted by those unfamiliar to him/her.
PANDA TIP: Don't bring your panda to a dinner party unless all the guests are on speaking terms with him. YOUR PANDA WILL ATTACK DINNER GUESTS IT DOESN'T LIKE.
One of the most frequently asked questions is "What should I name my panda?" Pandas like to be named in Chinese so they feel "at home". Here are some popular panda names:
  • "Tai Shan" (meaning peaceful mountain)
  • "Yao Ming" (meaning presence in the low post)
  • "Tae Bo" (meaning excellent workout)
Taking care of your panda

Pandas require an adequate amount of attention. You should walk your panda frequently to give it exercise. Your panda is in its formative years, and it is important to keep your panda fit and healthy so it can withstand the winter months. If you live in a warm climate, it is a good idea to shave your panda on occasion.
PANDA TIP: Pandas should not be exposed to radiation. DO NOT raise pandas near nuclear testing sites.
Pandas should be kept in a cage no less than 20 feet in area. The cage should be decorated with trees so that the panda does not "freak out." Panda freakouts are highly disturbing and may cause permanent psychological damage to anybody who witnesses one.

Also, pandas may require food and water. They should be fed at least twice a day. If you are wondering what to feed your panda, here is a good reference:

GOOD:
  • Bamboo
  • Fruit
  • Leaves
BAD:
  • Shards of glass
  • Chocolate
  • Other pandas
Your panda's mood

Pandas are generally cheerful. Interact with yours by tossing a Frisbee, playing hide-and-go-seek, viewing modern art, and other fun activities. Please do not attempt to ride your panda, at least for the first few months of its life. It will not be able to support your weight.
PANDA TIP: Lose some weight, fatty!
In the case of an excessively aggressive panda, please send back the panda with your receipt and we will send you a new panda.

In the case of a meek panda, try enticing it with yummy bamboo and whistling.

In the case of a pensive panda, release a spoken-word album.

Adjustments

You will have to adjust your panda for Daylight Saving Time. This can be done by pressing and holding button ADJUST for five seconds, pressing button FORWARD once and then pressing ADJUST again. It's that simple!

Good luck!

Raising a panda is a great responsibility. Have fun, and remember: a panda is always cute, but only you can make it happy.

2 comments:

  1. I agree that Louis CK is mucho funny.
    I just liked the point he made in that interview.

    This was cute.
    You didn't say anything about panda sneezes... I don't know if I'm glad you didn't stoop to the predictable or sad you didn't work it in there somehow.

    Thanks for the REAL comment. Those are much appreciated.
    (Should I have told you I hated real comments so you would continue them?)

    -Kelly

    ReplyDelete
  2. Perhaps you should include a link to your blog post so people don't think you're crazy for talking about Louis CK after a panda bear post.

    ReplyDelete