The Day Blogging Changed... FOREVER

SHAWN
Hi, I’m Shawn Bowers.

ALEX
And I’m Alex Nichols. Welcome to Sandwich Approved.

SHAWN
Alex and I were talking the other day about how much we hate when people do things better than we do.

ALEX
As a way of playing catch-up with the rest of the Internet, we’ve created a blog.

SHAWN
Now what is a blog, you ask? Blog is short for weblog, which is what you get when you cut down a webtree and chop it into smaller pieces.

ALEX
The blog is going to be filled with lots of "fun" "content" delivered on what we intend to be a consistent basis. Such as Joke Off, where Shawn and I challenge one another to come up with the best one-liners based off current news stories.

SHAWN
Or Sandwich: Approved, where we review sandwiches using our patented sandwich-ometer. Patent pending.

ALEX
Sandwich: Approved shouldn’t be confused with Sandwich-Approved, though, which is an entirely different feature and an entirely different sandwich-ometer, which doesn’t judge sandwiches at all. It judges everything, but still using sandwiches as a grading system. Does that make sense?

SHAWN
No.

ALEX
Perfect.

SHAWN
Before we can blog, though, it’s important that you know who we are. To do this, we’ve both written a couple of questions to ask one another which we hope will give you a better idea of us as people. Ready Alex?

ALEX
Ready!

SHAWN
Question one. What are your hobbies?

ALEX
Well, I enjoy a good Segway tour here and there. And there’s nothing more relaxing than whittling. You?

SHAWN
Birdwatching. But only at night.

ALEX
How’s that going?

SHAWN
I’ve seen two owls and a bush that looked like an owl.

ALEX
Exciting. Question two. Who are your heroes?

SHAWN
I’m going to reciprocate Bette Midler on this one.

ALEX
I always wanted to be an astronaut, so you can guess who my hero is.

SHAWN
Neil Armstrong?

ALEX
Pshh. He’s so mainstream. No, I go for Gus Grissom.

SHAWN
Who the fuck is that?

ALEX
Sigh. Typical.

SHAWN
Question three. Time for the big leagues. What are your thoughts on genocide?

ALEX
No THANK YOU. You?

SHAWN
Ugggggggggghhhhhh. Nooooooooo.

ALEX
Question four. Who is the most handsome actor?

SHAWN
Duh. Hugh Jackman. He’s the sexiest man alive for a reason, and that reason is that he’s actually the sexiest man alive. People has spoken and the people have spoken. Question five--

ALEX
I didn’t get to answer.

SHAWN
Answer what?

ALEX
Question four.

SHAWN
What’s question four?

ALEX
Who is the most handsome actor?

SHAWN
Hugh Jackman, I already answered that. Okay, question five. In a perfect world, is there still murder? Is murder necessary for a balanced human experience or would you prefer utopia?

ALEX
George Clooney.

SHAWN
What?

ALEX
Most handsome actor. George Clooney.

SHAWN
We moved ON from that.

ALEX
I stepped back.

SHAWN
You can’t step back, it’s a linear progression model. You’re ruining the whole thing.

ALEX
Question six. What’s your favorite food?

SHAWN
You didn’t answer question five! You’re ruining the whole system!

ALEX
Dinner roll. Question nineteen. Boxers or kickboxers?

SHAWN
What happened to questions six through eighteen?!

ALEX
The Nuremberg trials.

SHAWN
What was that?

ALEX
The answer to question fifty two.

SHAWN
You didn’t even ASK that question.

ALEX
Or did I ask it and you just weren’t listening?

SHAWN
I am a professional listener, don’t you dare bring my listening into this. You’re fucking it all up, go back to question three about murder in a utopian society.

ALEX
Question negative seven--

SHAWN
Negative questions don’t exist, that’s not a real question realm! Ugh! You make me want to stab you!

ALEX
Impossible, I have stabbing force fields. It was the answer to question twenty two, “do you have force fields and if so, what kind?”

SHAWN
Fine. You want to play this game?

ALEX
Is that a numbered question? Because if not, I can’t answer it.

SHAWN
GAME ON.

ALEX
Shawn?
...
Shawn?
Where’d you go?

SHAWN
There. Take THAT.

ALEX
What did you do?

SHAWN
I just went to the past and had sex with your mom right before she had sex with your dad, which means you’re probably my son now.

ALEX
(speechless)

SHAWN
Anyway, welcome to Sandwich Approved! Thanks for stopping by and we’ll see you soon! Anything you'd like to add, Alex?

ALEX
(speechless)

SHAWN
He gets the shyness from his mother!