SANDWICH APPROVED

WE WILL BUY YOUR TEETH

2009-07-19T00:00:00.011-05:00

Tired of excess teeth crowding your mouth?

THEN TIRE NO MORE: WE WILL BUY YOUR TEETH!

Looking to get some extra cash in these tough economic times?

THEN LOOK NO MORE: WE WILL BUY YOUR TEETH!

Enjoying the ability to chew food?

THEN ENJOY NO MORE:

WE

WILL

BUY

YOUR

TEETH!!!!!!!

RIMMERMAN FINANCIAL SERVICES AND CASUAL DENTISTRY
will buy any and all of your teeth at

TEN

TWENTY

even TWENTY-ONE times their original market value!!!

Would you get that same deal from THE MOB?!?! NO!

ORGANIZED CRIME CAN'T OFFER WHAT RIMMERMAN CAN!

When we say we will BUY YOUR TEETH, we MEAN IT. ANY and ALL teeth will be accepted:

BICUSPIDS

MOLARS

WISDOM TEETH

BUCKTEETH

FANGS

and even BICUSPIDS!!!

Quick cash! Money down! No questions asked! You send us the teeth, and we send you MONEY!!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

and best of all: ALL THE MONEY WILL BE IN SACAJAWEA DOLLAR COINS!!!

Bad credit? No credit? NO PROBLEM!

WE DON'T HAVE CREDIT EITHER, so we're in the SAME BOAT!

Can the U.S. GOVERNMENT say the same? YES!

BUT THEY WILL NOT BUY YOUR TEETH!!!

WE WILL! AND WE'LL DO IT TODAY!!!

Check out these TRUE LIFE TESTIMONIALS:

"I sent them my teeth and they sent me money!" - Steve, USA

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT TO HEAR?!?! You have teeth. We have money.

IT'S THE PERFECT SITUATION!

Don't want to remove the teeth yourself?

FINE.

For a nominal fee, RIMMERMAN will send one of our CERTIFIED CASUAL DENTISTS to remove your teeth IN-HOME... or ON THE ROAD!!!

Will the Tooth Fairy do that? NO!

What else won't the Tooth Fairy do?

BUSINESS WITH PEOPLE OLDER THAN TEN.

SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING CREEPY TO US!!!

We will STAY AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN!!!

GUARANTEED!!!

EVEN THIS GUY WILL STAY AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN!!!

We here at RIMMERMAN make it OUR BUSINESS to STAY AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN, no matter how GROWN-UP THEY SEEM!!!!

Now that's TRUST!!!

What are you waiting for?

CALL 1-800-BUY-TEEF today for a FREE CONSULTATION -- NOWHERE NEAR YOUR CHILDREN!!! -- and get ready for a NEW LIFE of UNLIMITED FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITIES and EXTREMELY LIMITED JAW FUNCTIONALITY!!!

RIMMERMAN FINANCIAL SERVICES AND CASUAL DENTISTRY:

NOWHERE NEAR YOUR CHILDREN SINCE 1985

Panda Bears and You

2009-04-05T14:22:00.004-05:00

Congratulations. You are the proud owner of a brand-new panda bear. Hopefully you and your panda bear will get along famously.

Assembly

Your panda will come pre-assembled. However, there are many add-ons available to make your panda experience as fun as possible:

Coffee grinder
Fax machine
Bamboo dispenser

The first two are for the busy, hard-working panda owner. The last one is really more for the panda.

Getting to know your panda

The first thing you will notice about your panda bear is that it is ALIVE. Please do not kick it. They don't like that sort of thing.

It is a good idea to communicate with your panda often in the first few days. Establish a human-to-bear connection in order to gain trust from your panda, which will be defensive when confronted by those unfamiliar to him/her.

PANDA TIP: Don't bring your panda to a dinner party unless all the guests are on speaking terms with him. YOUR PANDA WILL ATTACK DINNER GUESTS IT DOESN'T LIKE.

One of the most frequently asked questions is "What should I name my panda?" Pandas like to be named in Chinese so they feel "at home". Here are some popular panda names:

"Tai Shan" (meaning peaceful mountain)
"Yao Ming" (meaning presence in the low post)
"Tae Bo" (meaning excellent workout)

Taking care of your panda

Pandas require an adequate amount of attention. You should walk your panda frequently to give it exercise. Your panda is in its formative years, and it is important to keep your panda fit and healthy so it can withstand the winter months. If you live in a warm climate, it is a good idea to shave your panda on occasion.

PANDA TIP: Pandas should not be exposed to radiation. DO NOT raise pandas near nuclear testing sites.

Pandas should be kept in a cage no less than 20 feet in area. The cage should be decorated with trees so that the panda does not "freak out." Panda freakouts are highly disturbing and may cause permanent psychological damage to anybody who witnesses one.

Also, pandas may require food and water. They should be fed at least twice a day. If you are wondering what to feed your panda, here is a good reference:

GOOD:

Bamboo
Fruit
Leaves

BAD:

Shards of glass
Chocolate
Other pandas

Your panda's mood

Pandas are generally cheerful. Interact with yours by tossing a Frisbee, playing hide-and-go-seek, viewing modern art, and other fun activities. Please do not attempt to ride your panda, at least for the first few months of its life. It will not be able to support your weight.

PANDA TIP: Lose some weight, fatty!

In the case of an excessively aggressive panda, please send back the panda with your receipt and we will send you a new panda.

In the case of a meek panda, try enticing it with yummy bamboo and whistling.

In the case of a pensive panda, release a spoken-word album.

Adjustments

You will have to adjust your panda for Daylight Saving Time. This can be done by pressing and holding button ADJUST for five seconds, pressing button FORWARD once and then pressing ADJUST again. It's that simple!

Good luck!

Raising a panda is a great responsibility. Have fun, and remember: a panda is always cute, but only you can make it happy.

Health and Workout Plan

2009-03-29T15:42:00.002-05:00

True story: right after I finished editing this, I got snacky and bought a thing of frosted oatmeal cookies, a bag of corn chips and some graham crackers. The plan is working like aces.

Lost Dog

2009-03-18T18:02:00.003-05:00

LOST DOG

Name: Sparks
Color: Brown
Description: Foofy ears, medium tail. Stands three foot five on two paws, one foot one on three or four paws. Cannot stand on one paw, despite repeated attempts. Rugged sideburns that would have seemed out of character if you'd have known him a few years ago, but now totally work since he's lost all that weight. Enjoys the outdoors. Also, rain. Also, political satire with a Republican slant. Will respond to any of the following names: Robert, Rob, Bob, Robert Myers. Will not respond to voicemails. All limbs intact at time of losing. Do not rule out cripple dogs, though, as a lot can happen in a day, and we wouldn't want to presume anything, even positive things. In the right light, face looks eerily similar to Bertolt Brecht. Creative output, unfortunately, shares no similarities.

Significant reward offered, to be paid in full at time of return unless I don't have cash on me, at which point reward will be forfeited to dog's owner (e.g. myself). My children, who I do not have, thank you.

Panera's Smoked Ham and Swiss

2009-03-18T11:55:00.008-05:00

I remember when my grandpa, Papa Agapito, first taught me what a sandwich was.

The year was 1912, and my family was fresh off the boat at Ellis Island. I was a mere eight years old, a wide-eyed doe ready to learn everything about this new land of “America.”

We were waiting in line to have our names shortened (we were originally the Nicholsezzoviovanni family) when Papa Agapito knelt down beside me and laid his kind, wrinkled hand upon my shoulder. “Alexino,” he asked warmly, “do you know what they eat in America?”

I answered “Bowls full of noodles, of course! Doesn't everybody?”

Papa Agapito slapped me upside the head. “Stupid boy!” he spat. “Americans do not eat noodles! If we hope to live in America, we must eat as the Americans do. We must eat sandwiches.”

“What strange people,” I said, “that eat sand for food. It must taste awful and dry!”

Papa slapped me upside the head once again. “Scassacazzo! No! They do not eat sand. I will show you what I mean.”

He proceeded to open his knapsack and pull out two pieces of white bread.

“Do you know what these are?” he asked.

“Bread, of course!” I responded.

Papa grinned. “Do you know what Americans put between these two pieces of bread?”

I thought it over for a second.

“Noodles, Papa?”

He punched me directly in the nose.

“Fessacchione finocchio! No, you foolish child!” he shouted. He reached into his knapsack again and pulled out a fistful of smoked ham, two slices of swiss cheese, a leaf of lettuce, a section of tomato, a diced onion and a glob of yellow mustard. He stacked them high on one piece of bread, one ingredient after another, until it scraped the sky just like the Met Life Tower. I was in awe, partly at the sheer height of the sandwich, and partly at the fact that Papa had all this food in his knapsack on the voyage and shared none with my cousin Enzo, who died of hunger two hours before landfall.

He topped it off with the other slice of bread and, with all the flair of a magician, presented me with the second-greatest tower I had seen that day (after the Met Life Tower).

“This,” he said, beaming, “is a sandwich. This is what they eat in America. Go on, have a bite.”

I eagerly attempted to wrap my tiny hands around the behemoth of meat, cheese and bread that Papa Agapito had so skillfully constructed. I peered up at him, suddenly made nervous by the evident difficulty of the task.

“It's awful big, Papa,” I whispered.

“Stronzo! Leccacazzi! Faccia di culo! Just take a fucking bite already!” he slobbered.

I closed my eyes and struggled to lift the sandwich to my mouth. I unhinged my jaw like a snake swallowing a small woodland creature and slowly stuffed it in.

What I tasted in that moment was the most wonderful taste I had ever tasted. I opened my eyes and looked up at Papa Agapito, smiling wide as I chewed, tears of joy mixing with the blood that was still flowing out of my newly broken nose.

“Papa,” I exclaimed through a full mouth, “I love you!”

“I love you too, Alexino,” he said.

It was the greatest event of my childhood.

Immediately afterward, the Ellis Island medical staff chalked Papa Agapito's shirt with a circled “X” and quickly sent him back to Italy. I never saw him again.

I found myself reliving this experience recently as I went to Panera on my first Sandwich: Approved assignment last week. I sought to taste their version of Papa Agapito's smoked ham and swiss masterpiece that I had savored 96 years prior.

Though Panera's smoked ham and swiss is usually served on rye, I requested sourdough in order to relive that day as accurately as possible. (For that same reason, I also had a Nativist spit on me and tell me to go back where I came from.) I placed my order, and not three minutes later, it was ready and waiting to be eaten.

I took my tray to a corner booth in the back of the cafe/bakery. On first sight, Panera's sandwich is not nearly as large as the one I ate on Ellis Island: at about an inch-and-a-half tall, no jaw-unhinging is necessary.

But don't be fooled: the sandwich is dense with flavor. I picked up the sandwich and weighed it in my hands. It was heavy with my grandpa's distant legacy. I trembled a little bit. I was afraid, I think, to confront the past. I was afraid that the sandwich would be sub-par, that it would tarnish my perception of that happy day. But the fear was unfounded. As I took a bite, all those long-dormant emotions rushed back to me. My nose instantly started bleeding. I closed my eyes and savored the delicious combination of those perfect ingredients. I mean it in the most positive way possible when I say that Panera's sandwiches taste like they have been in an old man's knapsack for twelve days.

I may be biased because of my past, but it's safe to say that anybody will enjoy Panera's smoked ham and swiss sandwich, if not with the same dramatic vigor as a 104-year-old Italian immigrant like myself.

This is setting a high standard, certainly, but I can't help but give this sandwich FIVE OUT OF FIVE SANDWICHES.

Sandwich: APPROVED.

The Day Blogging Changed... FOREVER

2009-03-17T01:39:00.009-05:00

SHAWN
Hi, I’m Shawn Bowers.

ALEX
And I’m Alex Nichols. Welcome to Sandwich Approved.

SHAWN
Alex and I were talking the other day about how much we hate when people do things better than we do.

ALEX
As a way of playing catch-up with the rest of the Internet, we’ve created a blog.

SHAWN
Now what is a blog, you ask? Blog is short for weblog, which is what you get when you cut down a webtree and chop it into smaller pieces.

ALEX
The blog is going to be filled with lots of "fun" "content" delivered on what we intend to be a consistent basis. Such as Joke Off, where Shawn and I challenge one another to come up with the best one-liners based off current news stories.

SHAWN
Or Sandwich: Approved, where we review sandwiches using our patented sandwich-ometer. Patent pending.

ALEX
Sandwich: Approved shouldn’t be confused with Sandwich-Approved, though, which is an entirely different feature and an entirely different sandwich-ometer, which doesn’t judge sandwiches at all. It judges everything, but still using sandwiches as a grading system. Does that make sense?

SHAWN
No.

ALEX
Perfect.

SHAWN
Before we can blog, though, it’s important that you know who we are. To do this, we’ve both written a couple of questions to ask one another which we hope will give you a better idea of us as people. Ready Alex?

ALEX
Ready!

SHAWN
Question one. What are your hobbies?

ALEX
Well, I enjoy a good Segway tour here and there. And there’s nothing more relaxing than whittling. You?

SHAWN
Birdwatching. But only at night.

ALEX
How’s that going?

SHAWN
I’ve seen two owls and a bush that looked like an owl.

ALEX
Exciting. Question two. Who are your heroes?

SHAWN
I’m going to reciprocate Bette Midler on this one.

ALEX
I always wanted to be an astronaut, so you can guess who my hero is.

SHAWN
Neil Armstrong?

ALEX
Pshh. He’s so mainstream. No, I go for Gus Grissom.

SHAWN
Who the fuck is that?

ALEX
Sigh. Typical.

SHAWN
Question three. Time for the big leagues. What are your thoughts on genocide?

ALEX
No THANK YOU. You?

SHAWN
Ugggggggggghhhhhh. Nooooooooo.

ALEX
Question four. Who is the most handsome actor?

SHAWN
Duh. Hugh Jackman. He’s the sexiest man alive for a reason, and that reason is that he’s actually the sexiest man alive. People has spoken and the people have spoken. Question five--

ALEX
I didn’t get to answer.

SHAWN
Answer what?

ALEX
Question four.

SHAWN
What’s question four?

ALEX
Who is the most handsome actor?

SHAWN
Hugh Jackman, I already answered that. Okay, question five. In a perfect world, is there still murder? Is murder necessary for a balanced human experience or would you prefer utopia?

ALEX
George Clooney.

SHAWN
What?

ALEX
Most handsome actor. George Clooney.

SHAWN
We moved ON from that.

ALEX
I stepped back.

SHAWN
You can’t step back, it’s a linear progression model. You’re ruining the whole thing.

ALEX
Question six. What’s your favorite food?

SHAWN
You didn’t answer question five! You’re ruining the whole system!

ALEX
Dinner roll. Question nineteen. Boxers or kickboxers?

SHAWN
What happened to questions six through eighteen?!

ALEX
The Nuremberg trials.

SHAWN
What was that?

ALEX
The answer to question fifty two.

SHAWN
You didn’t even ASK that question.

ALEX
Or did I ask it and you just weren’t listening?

SHAWN
I am a professional listener, don’t you dare bring my listening into this. You’re fucking it all up, go back to question three about murder in a utopian society.

ALEX
Question negative seven--

SHAWN
Negative questions don’t exist, that’s not a real question realm! Ugh! You make me want to stab you!

ALEX
Impossible, I have stabbing force fields. It was the answer to question twenty two, “do you have force fields and if so, what kind?”

SHAWN
Fine. You want to play this game?

ALEX
Is that a numbered question? Because if not, I can’t answer it.

SHAWN
GAME ON.

ALEX
Shawn?
...
Shawn?
Where’d you go?

SHAWN
There. Take THAT.

ALEX
What did you do?

SHAWN
I just went to the past and had sex with your mom right before she had sex with your dad, which means you’re probably my son now.

ALEX
(speechless)

SHAWN
Anyway, welcome to Sandwich Approved! Thanks for stopping by and we’ll see you soon! Anything you'd like to add, Alex?

ALEX
(speechless)

SHAWN
He gets the shyness from his mother!